One of our horndogs is missing
Former president and future first gentleman Bill Clinton, or the Big Dawg as he is popularly known, had a heart attack today, which still leaves him three up on Dick Cheney, who has heart attacks like some people have cheeseburgers. The bad news for the Boys in the Blue States is that Clinton is now presumably sidelined for the rest of the campaign.
Say what you will about the vaunted electability of John Forbes Kerry, but all the charisma in his family seems to have gone to…hmmm. I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that one, unless the selection of Senator Johnny Edwards as vice-candidate involved legal adoption. Senator Kerry is about as exciting as the ketchup which bears his name. William Clinton, on the other hand, keeps you on the edge of your seat: what crazy scrapes is that character going to get into next? This time, the answer turned out to be severe heart disease, which is not among his most crowd-pleasing work. At least he did not round out his heart attack by pulling a Nelson Rockefeller, although my friends in Vegas remind me it’s still early in the game. One encouraging thought, Mr. Clinton, for your stay in the hospital: naughty nurses.
As much as I resent Clinton for writing a book on “My Life” without asking me first, I wanted him in this game to rally the troops and pound the pavement. He is good at kissing babies. But babies are frozen in fear as the grey maw of Kerry approaches the tops of their little heads; it is not good television. Already in Wisconsin and several other swing states, ads from the conservative 527 “Mothers United For Truth” capitalize on the growing national fear that John Kerry might try to shake your hand, ruffle your child’s carefully-positioned hair, or engage you momentarily in an awkward, halting parody of small talk. While no one doubts John Kerry’s preparedness and fitness to be the commander of our armed forces and voice for liberty and justice around the world, few are convinced he should be allowed to campaign openly on their street, where someone might see him and be turned instantly to stone.
So as the shambling Golem known as John Kerry soldiers joylessly into November and possibly beyond, Bill Clinton will be sitting at home becoming acquainted with the television schedule and Googling himself. (Hi Bill!) This seems like a real stroke of luck for the Other Guys. Or is it luck? What could be the rest of the story?
Scenario #1: “It’s better than kissing him goodbye”
Bill was set to join his wife and senator Hillary for a two-day junket around the state, when he mysteriously collapsed from sudden illness. Perhaps this was a desperate measure to get out of two days in the car with HILLPAC.
Scenario #2: “Would anybody come to my funeral?”
Clinton gets pissed off at all the fawning over Reagan after his untimely demise at age 734. Clinton figures he was the better actor anyway. Stages illness to gauge public response; is prepared to go all the way to the funeral if necessary, at which he will deliver a stirring eulogy disguised as Vernon Jordan.
Scenario #3: “C’mon, honey, for old times’ sake”
Hillary, concerned that, should Kerry win the White House, she will be forever blocked from achieving that prize, does not want her persuasive husband aiding in the 2004 election. She knowingly causes the illness in an attempt to detain/murder him. This is possible by either of two methods, which fit the known facts:
a) While Clinton has famously been on the South Beach Diet, spies at the Democratic Convention reported that the Clinton hotel suite ordered up cheeseburgers, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, and other traditional White House-era Clinton favorites. Perhaps Hillary talked him into indulging, knowing he would be unable to stop. Weeks later, his cholesterol-clogged body drags itself to Columbia Presbyterian.
b) Hillary makes a pass at Bill; he has a heart attack.
Scenario #4: “Somebody up there likes me”
I didn’t really watch the Bush speech at his convention. Is it possible he called upon God to strike Clinton down? If this is the case, I may have to change my vote because they are clearly getting shit done.
Any way you slice it, our campaign is a little greyer without the fun-loving, heart-attacking Bill Clinton. Get well soon!
by Jack, September 3, 2004 3:19 PM | More from Election 2004 | More from The Damned Human Race
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I think perhaps Clinton's heart attack had something to do with a secret attempt to impersonate Al Sharpton while working his comb-over. Don't ask me to reveal my sources. . .
Neither of the statesmen you mention have comb-overs. To the contrary, they are known for full heads of Democratic hair. What kind of propaganda are you trying to pull?
Communist propaganda. "fred" = Friedrich Engels.