Independent of y'all
This year on Independence Day, I chose to celebrate in a manner Americans have honored for generations: by not posting to my blog. But now I realize the short-sightedness of my action, as I usually do eventually in all cases of action or inaction taken by me. So let’s seize this opportunity, on a week often considered related to the birth of our nation, to check in on the American political scene.
One thing that pops up immediately is that we seem to have political parties, in clear violation of the advice of one of our first presidents, George Washington, but that we cling fast to the musket-era idea that everyone can have guns.
My colleague in bling, one Puffy Diddy, brought gravitas to our weekend through his well-publicized and -politicized party in those Hamptons. All invited guests were required to wear nothing but white, white, white; reportedly one confused industry insider was made to bury his off-color sneakers in the woods before being allowed past the gates. Of course, the white theme was in honor of our Founding Fathers, who were exclusively white. Apparently an additional Puff notion of having the guests wear only men’s clothes, in remembrance of the masculine gender of all the Founders, was rejected as not sufficiently bling-friendly.
Puffy also went around telling everyone that a framed copy of the Declaration of Independence under his arm was his “date”, which, while maybe heavy-handed, is a pretty good way to avoid the issue of girls at parties. For those of you holding less patriotic gatherings, try walking around with a copy of Penthouse instead.
And in what passes for “surprise” in politics, the guy who stayed in the Democratic primary race longer than anyone else picked the guy who stayed in almost as long to be his running mate in their quest for the presidency. This didn’t surprise me, but it relieved me, mostly because I like Edwards better than Kerry. He’s a bit of a tabula rasa, and that worked well for the Republicans the last time around, but he also learned how to smile from someone other than Poppy Bush.
So maybe it’s not quite as surprising as when it was finally revealed that the anonymous author of Primary Colors was none other than Chelsea Clinton, but it means we get to see lots of pictures of John Edwards looking so effusive on airplanes, and that is what America needs to heal. It also means that John Kerry was able to put the fact that he and Edwards hate each other to one side and pick the strategy that helps America. Could George Bush do the same (for “hate Edwards” substitute “love Haliburton”)? Fortunately, he doesn’t have to.
And celebrity Midwesterner Michael Moore has once again proved why he’s the most talked-about grossly obese man in the country! Let’s hurry up and get a Democrat in the White House while Mike is still alive to see it! Now that Bush is ruling Middle Eastern republic Iraq as well as the United States, maybe he could move over there and let someone who doesn’t have any countries at all take a turn. Iraq, after all, is much more like Texas than the U.S. as a whole: lots of oil, lots of sand, lots of guns, and lots of children who do not graduate high school. I’d say Rod Paige’s miracle educational policy is working just as well in Iraq, as well as on the Moon, as it did in Texas! Don’t say no right away, George!
I think that pretty much catches us up with the state of the nation. Keep those cards and letters pouring in, and raise a glass to the hope that America will last another year. Or at least New York.
by Jack, July 7, 2004 2:47 PM | More from Election 2004 | More from The Damned Human Race
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I wuz there with a pure white as snow winter seal pup-lined Sean John jacket and my Shady limited undies. I'm grabbing my crotch right now, in case anyone cares. It was a blast. Lizzy Grubman was there. Laurel from Media Bistro was there. It was tighter than a Saudi virgin.
I've never actually met Laurel, so I just assume everyone at a Media Bistro party wearing a scarf must be she. I'm also making the assumption that she wears scarves, but I think I'm probably not far off on this one.
You should lay off the geographical elitism bub.
First of all I shall wish no better for New York than I wish for Toledo.
Second your insular view of Texas needs some updating. You should travel more.
In closing, you stop mentioning G-dub is from Texas, and we won't mention you had to go all the way to Arkansas to find a suitable senator.